I have taken it upon myself to do a special throwback edition to commemorate #tbt. Oh, by the way, by means of a digression, have y’all noticed how the internet has changed our lives? Before now, Thursdays had no special tags. Well, except for the occasional “don’t forget that Thursday is Prayer meeting…” “Hey, don’t miss the meetings at the club on Thursdays…” and stuff. But now people spend hours trying to pick out a picture, video, or event that happened in the past so they can re-post them on Thursdays in the spirit of #ThrowBackThursday. It’s a brave new world, isn’t it?
Now back to my gist. This throwback edition is a storification of events which took place in Law School under the invocation of the policy of Austerity Measures. Austerity Measures has been defined by those who ought to know, as “Official actions taken by the government during a period of adverse economic conditions, to reduce its budget deficit using a combination of spending cuts or tax rises” (Lexicon, Financial Times; 2016). All that turenchi merely means “spending cuts.”
Back then, we had a practice of living comfortably. I will start with Arinze. He never lacked juice or substances in that family in his wardrobe… He never ate without a drink, never missed a meal, always had hours of talk time on his phone, etc… Speedo? He was a silent baller, block him at Mammy and you’ll see that his plate could make an indigent bar aspirant go a-stealing. Tony never said no to confectionaries, never turned his back on a can of coke before lectures, never said never to a meal at the dining, never said maybe to a plate of nicely made indomie at Ali’s, or Ngozi’s. Mark T joined the squad late, and he too never turned back at an opportunity to spend money. It is platitudinous to remind you that all these actors mentioned above never flinched at sponsoring good times at Lovitos.
Here comes the “but”. You see, few times arose, when things were not so rosy, when even Arinze would not have even a medium pack of Chivita in his wardrobe; when Speedo would be content to take his meal in peace without a lap of chicken mocking at the world of the indigent; when Tony would calmly march to class without first branching to help himself to a plastic can of coke, and a bigger plastic 1.5 litre of chilled water. THIS WAS THE PERIOD OF AUSTERITY MEASURES. However, AUSTERITY MEASURES would not commence unless a declaration of AUSTERITY was made!
No one was vested with the official right to declare AUSTERITY! It could be declared by anyone, at any time, and if the Council (Arinze, Speed, Tony, Yours Truly and other unofficial members) agreed unanimously, then AUSTERITY MEASURES would commence immediately. Oftentimes, austerity was declared in the mornings, by 7am, upon waking up and assessing critically the state of the finances. At some other times, it was declared at noon, upon returning from Akwa Best, and seeing that leakages needed to be plugged. Sometimes, it was declared at night while one held meetings with one’s self to analyze expenses. A simple declaration of, “OH BOY, AUSTERITY MEASURES DEY NEEDED OH!” sufficed. Sometimes, Tony screamed from his room upstairs, “OH BOY, AUSTERITY!” and it was deemed a good declaration. I can only remember once when this declaration was made, and someone rose to oppose it. I remember it vividly because it was a very unusual opposition made on very unusual grounds. On the said day, Yours Truly had declared austerity, and Speed countered same, saying “Abeg, I be child of God, I no dey subject to austerity!” However, weeks later, guess who made the declaration? Right! His faith had wavered like Peter upon seeing the storms.
The amazing thing was that our declaration of Austerity affected other people such as Dozie, Ebi, Izuchukwu, Dada, Leroy, and the rest, as they also took the cue when the council decided, and equally adopted austerity measures. Sometimes, they invoked their own austerity measures without the knowledge of the council, and no one objected. In fact, I decided on writing this article after remembering that Ebi had, just last week, reminded me of the merits of the declaration, and urged me to make the declaration during CDS. Well, I declined because it was too early!
Finally, AUSTERITY MEASURES is a good way to live on lean means. It separates hunger from long-throat, and gives you perspective on what is really necessary. We still met the “at least two and a half proper meals a day” target, but all the orishirishi were held in abeyance. By the way, I need to inform you that there is a class below the class of AUSTERITY MEASURES. This is a class you should never spend twenty four (24) hours in. It is the class of “E DON RED!”
In the class of “E DON RED”, you don’t declare austerity. It is the class you fall into because you were not wise to declare austerity when you should have. There are persons who repeatedly fell into this class, but mention shall not be made of them, to protect their integrity. As I said, you don’t declare anything in this class, in short, the only thing that will be emerging from your mouth will be pleas upon pleas;
“epp me bros…”
“show me love nah…”
“abeg give me scholarship nah…”
PS: Happy birthday to Minika Efa, Godfrey Eyibio, Marvelous Inyang, and the rest of my friends whose birthdays fell on today! God bless you all!
